Costello and the art of being second place

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I normally leave politics to my exceptionally able friend and colleague Trevor Cook who focuses on the bigger issues (like StroganoffGate), but last night in bed I read the Costello Memoirs.

Actually, the book was "Not the Costello Memoirs", as told to Walter Slurry.

To give you an example of what sort of tone this gem of a book might have, here’s the bio on Mr Slurry himself:

"Walter Slurry, award-winning author of the Be Alert but Not Alarmed fridge magnet, has worked in the Canberra Press Gallery for over 15 years, mostly as a cleaner.

Born in Burkina Faso in 1960, Slurry attended numerous homes and borstals before finally being settled in Canberra in the mid-1980s.

A graduate of the Ponds Institute, Walter’s previous works include the controversial history of the Federal Labor Party, True Believers, My Arse, and the international bestseller The Da Vinci Code of Ministerial Conduct. He is currently working on an insightful biography of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, entitled Wanker.

Walter Slurry enjoys movies (adult) and is a keen salivator. He lives on a farm near Yass with his wife and someone else’s children."

The book is absolutely chockers with moments in history that made this particular munchkin laugh out loud.

Here’s just one:

"As a child I was well behaved, bright, attentive, and pretty damn good looking. My childhood was as enjoyable and loving as it was uneventful. At school I was a popular boy, often affectionately known by nicknames ‘Smug-o’ and ‘Prat’. A tall lad, I was gifted at Australian Rules, cricket and golf. My idol in later life would be Greg Norman. For now I was just a ‘pimply twat’, as my buddies jokingly called me"

Later, Costello reflects on the time when he was promoted by John Hewson to the front bench:

"Now the youngest and arguably the most dashing, sporty and elegant member of Parliament, it wasn’t long before Hewson rewarded my brilliance and promoted me to the Front Bench as Shadow Attorney-General. Can you believe it? The MP my colleagues endearingly referred to as ‘an amoeba’ was now a fully fledged shadow minister. Didn’t the bathroom mirror get a workout that night!"

And so it goes on.

Now that you can pick up the actual Costello memoirs in the remainders shelves down at your local Seconds shop, I strongly encourage you to nip down to Dymocks and pick up Slurry’s far more entertaining masterpiece.

After all, these reviewers can’t be wrong:

• "Full of promise that never delivers"
  Malcolm
• "This is one of the hardest reviews I will write. John Howard has been the finest prime minister Australia ever had … but this is a brilliant, lucid and powerful historical portrait … a compelling and accurate insight into the man who should have been PM"
  Janet Albrechtsen, The Australian
• "Uninspiring … perhaps the subject matter betrayed the author, for this is a vapid, dull affair … It lacks the big picture and vision … A squandered opportunity, full of promise that never delivers…"
  Malcolm Turnbull
• "Fact is stranger than fiction here … Imagine a deputy PM aspiring to the top job? Hilarious and witty … I laughed so much my hair turned red."
  Julia Gillard
• "Arguably the finest and most honest memoir that I’ve ever had read to me."
  Pauline Hanson
• "This is the way history should be re-written … An important addition to revisionist autobiography … a first rate piece of denialism."
  Keith Windschuttle
• "I’ll be buggered if I’m going to dignify this adolescent puerile filth … This type of low-level, back-door jiggery pokery will smear the good name of the Howard Government …"
  Alan Jones
• "What makes this book so important is its breadth and depth … sprightly written, often insightful in its judgements, and studded with nuggets that enhance the Costello saga."
  Bindi Irwin
• "Sweetie … it’s  just gorgeous. I read it in my PJs and just giggled like a little girlie."
  Caroline Overington

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