Australian etiquette

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. You can even subscribe by email! Thanks for visiting!

We Australians are renowned around the world for our etiquette, and with good reason.

Even European royalty contacts the more famous of us to ask the correct way to do one thing or another — and thank goodness Dame Edna Everage (”La Dame aux Gladiolas”) or Sir Les Patterson are around to lead us by example!

As Paull Young is about to head off for pastures foreign, perhaps it is a good time to remind those who are thinking of moving to Australia to take his place of the very real and strict protocols that exist in our unique culture.

As a public service I present you with some key pointers:

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

CINEMA ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

–

Hat tip to Bruce

Tagged as: humour