November 23, 2006
Australian etiquette
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We Australians are renowned around the world for our etiquette, and with good reason.
Even European royalty contacts the more famous of us to ask the correct way to do one thing or another — and thank goodness Dame Edna Everage (”La Dame aux Gladiolas”) or Sir Les Patterson are around to lead us by example!
As Paull Young is about to head off for pastures foreign, perhaps it is a good time to remind those who are thinking of moving to Australia to take his place of the very real and strict protocols that exist in our unique culture.
As a public service I present you with some key pointers:
IN GENERAL
- Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
- It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
- Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
- Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
- Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
- Always offer to bait your date’s hook - especially on the first date.
- Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.”
- Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
CINEMA ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
- Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
- When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
–
Hat tip to Bruce
Stumble it!
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11 Responses to “Australian etiquette”
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November 23rd, 2006 at 4:08 pm
Pure Gold Lee.
A quick survey shows I’ve been guilty of about 10 of these in the past.
I don’t let my dogs eat at the table when I’ve got company because their manners are better than mine.
Plus I only reckon it’s tacky to take an esky to Church if you don’t have enough stubbies inside to go around…
November 23rd, 2006 at 11:18 pm
Wow, it’s like, uh, I have no idea what words you’re even using. That’s how I can tell yours is truly a gifted culture.
November 24th, 2006 at 3:43 am
Yes, Lee, do explain what stubbies and eskies and ute keys and dunny doors are. I’m obviously way behind on my Aussie slang vocabulary.
It does remind me a bit of Wild West etiquette in the US: “When yo is dating a woman, yo takes a bath once a month whether yo needs it or not.”
November 26th, 2006 at 9:49 pm
Ahh, my little cheese and vegemite scrolls… all is revealed in my next report for FIR (Monday) !!
November 26th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
However, to help those who might still be challenged by my descriptions…
ute: noun:- a utility vehicle, invented in Australia. US = pickup truck.
esky: noun:- a portable insulated container for keeping food or drink cool. A shortening the trade name for Eskimo box. In New Zealand it is called “Chilly Bin”.
dunny: noun:- toilet or lavatory, originally an outside toilet or outhouse, now a generic term for the toilet regardless of location. Sometimes referred to as the Thunder Box! Different from the bathroom which really does contain a bath or shower for cleaning your personage
paddock: noun:- a field or meadow, usually on a farm
All definitions from AussieSlang.com
November 27th, 2006 at 10:30 pm
[...] First Lee Hopkins offered up a hilarious list of Australian Etiquette - I suggest anyone I’m crossing paths with in my travels should read it as a ‘Paull Young Primer’ (take note Luke, Erin, Constantin et al). [...]
November 30th, 2006 at 8:16 am
This is a true story. In 1975, I hitched a ride with an old rural couple in their ute somewhere in northern Victoria. The woman commented on the larger than usual number of dead kangaroos beside the road. Deadpan, and apparently with utter seriousness, the man replied: “They never learn”.
November 30th, 2006 at 8:21 am
You missed an important one: A good housekeeper puts the tomato sauce bottle back in the pantry between meals rather than leaving it on the table all the time. Some people see this as unnecessary since many Australians eat tomato sauce at every meal but this is considered a terribly slovenly attitude by the more sophisticated.
March 20th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
[...] Hopkins gave some advice on Aussie etiquette to prepare the Yanks and Poms for my [...]
March 29th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
[...] My own views on etiquette were made quite clear when Paull Young first left on his ‘Social Media World Domination Tour’ late last year. However, Bryper’s link to a SMH blog post reminds me that even in this crazy, mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world there is always someone who will kick Lola out of the bar for mixing coke and beer in the one glass — and trying to ingest it via one’s nostrils. [...]
June 15th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
we read through your list and would like to add a few that were missed….
bory or to take a dump means.. to have a poo
up the duff… pregnant
have a geiza at this… have a look at this
she’s a top bird…. good women
gettin hitched… getting married
left skiddies in jocks.. havn’t wiped properly after a bory
going to see a man about a dog… going somewhere thats none of anyones business
nunnya…. none of your business
gunna… going to
goonie…. cask of wine (or goon bag)
hit the piss… getting drunk
have a crack at it,,, to have a go at something
drop the kids off at the pool… to have a poo
snap and wipe… interrupted when having a bory
shit pit,,,, workplace
missus…. is a wife or girlfiend
cant think now we’ll get back to you later